My mind has been going haywire ever since I stopped blogging. It’s not that I took a break from blogging; it’s more like me being unable to focus—too busy running away from the moment, but at the same time, trying to catch up with the present. Essentially, blogging is what keeps me a bit sane—despite the insanity that I sometime spill onto here.
I’m not sure if this remedy is healthy, but for the past year or so, I literally cannot function properly without music—the kind where I have to plug my ears with headphones and listen to music on maximum volume. Otherwise, I get anxiety attacks when I don’t. Like clockwork, everything around me starts to crumble and the vibration of people’s movement and voices starts to hurt me. I don’t know why. No matter what the music is, it pieces my life back together…it just doesn’t necessarily put the correct pieces in the right places, so in the end, it all falls apart again.
I guess I need to shut the world off for several hours in a day or else I’ll end up feeling very anxious and the uneasiness spoils my vision. Like a drug and I’m highly dependent on it. I don’t think I can function without it. This is a temporary fix that I need each day. What has happened to me?
But look, something cute:
It’s not just a nightmare, it’s a memory.
My childishness surprises me sometimes. Even just the habit of holding onto my stuff animals, I find comfort. I feel safe and protected. Whenever I’m in broad daylight, surrounded by people, I feel very unsafe. Almost as if the light exposes my armorless exterior. I fear knowing-eyes; it’s not fair that I’m left here on this stage.
It didn’t rain tonight. I was disappointed coming out of work. I like to play in the pouring rain. Of course, I usually get sick the day after, but I think it’s all worth it. The other day I realized that a lot of the things I enjoy doing….is usually free. I mean, I never thought of myself as a simple person, but I guess I am kind of a simple person. I like going to the park and play on the swings. I like running around in the rain and I like playing with stray cats. The only expense is transportation. I love to travel. If I’m lucky, I want to travel all over the world, but never staying in one place for too long because I don’t want to grow attach to anything or anyone. If only.
You know how when you were a kid, you used to think to yourself, “I’m never going to turn into that kind of person! I don’t understand them; I’ll never become THAT person.” But then, you’re finally a 20-something year old, or a 30-something year old, or 40, 50,…and you realized that you’ve become exactly THAT kind of person.
The world has a twisted kind of humor, doesn’t it? It used to be easy to stay put, but then the world decided to hunt you down and all you can do is run. Even your own shadow has traded spaces with you. No longer human, but just a body collapsed on the ground, with people occasionally passing by.
Images are from Kirsty Mitchell Photography.
I recommend every photography-enthusiast to check her out.
I fell ill. It’s horrible timing, too. I wanted to go back to blogging, but it seems like time is always against me. However, I do appreciate everyone who welcomed me back even though I haven’t gotten the time to return comments, but I will—it’s just a matter of time. Last week felt like a roller coaster of emotions, maybe it was the added effects of the flu—so my mind kept repeating past memories like a broken record. Yes, it was quite annoying and frustrating, but what’s even more frustrating is trying to mask that at work…Ironically, I guess it is right timing to be sick, people will just think I’m gloomy because of the flu/cold.
I’m still working night shifts, so I don’t get home till late in the night. Albeit, I don’t exactly go home right after work—I like to make people believe that I do, though. I go somewhere first and pretend it’s therapeutic. Sometimes, we fall into our own rabbit hole, and forget which way is up and which way is down.